Remember Tom? He wrote a guest blog a while ago about how he gets dressed. It was a big hit, probably because Tom's a funny guy. But since then, he's been whining about how he can't live up to the hype created by the first one, and how he could never follow it with something as good as it. "Tom," I said, "write about clothes for dating. I swear it'll be good. I won't put it up if it's not." And so this arrived in my inbox at 5am this morning. It's very valuable advice for all of you out there trying to find love in this cold harsh world. I'd bookmark it if I were you. Maybe print it out and give it to your mates as Christmas presents.
Tom is growing a charity mustache. This photo was taken at his recent 21st birthday party, which was an awful lot of fun.
So, I've decided to write another guest blog for Ripped Knees. I know I know, been there, done that, why should I do it again? Is it that I feel like I'm not finished teaching all you burgeoning fashionistas and fashionistos out there? Or is it that I simply couldn't pass up another opportunity to be featured in one of the most important fashion blogs in the world? Well, to be honest, the fact of the matter is that when I wrote my piece I got congratulations, I got praise, and although I appreciated it very much, Jay got a damn marriage proposal for his and I didn't and I can't have that shit. So here I am Ripped Kneesers, I'm back for round two and this time I'm showcasing my knowledge on fashion for dating, specifically the first date. I hope you enjoy it and hopefully I can get me some fashion groupies out of it.
When trying to put together an outfit for a first date it is integral that one remembers the goal of a first date, trickery. The goal of a first date is to seem nicer, better looking, more interesting, more compatible with the date-ee and generally an all round a better person than you actually are. But however will we achieve this illusion? This is where groundwork comes into it. And no, before you ask I don't mean putting in the man hours, being kind and considerate and generally charming, I mean researching their Facebook, interrogating their acquaintances, and basically going to any lengths you can to find out about their interests and hobbies, and then dressing accordingly.
For instance, if you find that they really like a band, wear their t-shirt and they will assume you like them. You don't even need to know anything about their music as it is a fact that the same tactics that can get you through a sports team conversation can get you through a band-you-don't-know conversation, i.e. agreeing profusely with the person you're talking to, asking them to expand on their current topic, and in emergencies pretending you didn't hear the last thing and changing the subject using the old "Oh, I just remembered, let me tell you before it gets away from me" technique. This kind of trick doesn't end with bands and music, the same thing can be done with sports jerseys, religious and political imagery, and general entertainment mediums (favourite films, TV shows, radio stations, etc.)
Tom last year with Jay, also of guest blog fame
So yeah, now we have them thinking that you have common interests, it's time for us to use the powers of fashion to trick them into thinking they're attracted to you, and that means one thing guys and gals: TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES. Nothing is sexier than scantily clad men and woman. Now, I've done some research into this and I don't want to go throwing around figures making outrageous claims that I can't back up but I can say with conviction that it is a scientifically proven fact that for every piece of clothing you remove (beginning at the average amount worn for the season/geographic position/location of the date) you are 25% more likely to have sex with them.
Now, to round off I'm going to give a piece of advice each to both males and females which will aid them in their pursuit of marriage, happiness, and most importantly, sex.
WOMEN: It is a little known fact that heterosexual men are remarkably similar psychologically to the magpie. They see something shiny and are easily distracted. This can cause trouble on dates, one must keep their man interested and engaged, if not in what your saying, at least in how you look, this is why it is important to wear as much jewelry as possible. Only when it becomes difficult to stand up straight should you stop adding sparkly necklaces and polished rings to your arsenal of seductery.
MEN: Girls are into a lot of weird stuff and to catalogue it all I would need some sort of blog of my own, but from the last couple dates I've been on I've realised one thing in particular that girls are into: shoes. Women are very particular about the kind of shoes men wear. It does however vary from woman to woman what kind of shoe they're into, so if you're in doubt, to be on the safe side you should probably wear one dress shoe and one runner just in case, to have all bases covered.
Myself and Tom in 2008, at his 20th birthday. Everyone needs a Tom in their life, to drive them to drive-thru McDonalds and to discuss the follies of the opposite sex with.
PS. Don't wear a hat, it makes people nervous.
PPS. Never, EVER, tell a member of the opposite sex you like their clothes, tell them you hate their clothes, it keeps them on their toes and encourages improvement in their fashion sense.
PPPS. If it's a really nice hat go for it.
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